She's Out of My Life
by flashpenguin
Summary: Post ep following "The Crossing". Reese says his private good-byes to Carter. While he reflects on the course his life took since meeting her, he tries to balance the need for getting even and keeping her dying request to not let it change him. ***COMPLETE***


_My first Person of Interest story. I've watched and rewatched Seasons 1 & 2 so many times I can quote the lines. But what I hoped for most was to have a reason to start on a brand new story with a brand new pairing and show. This last episode opened a flood gate! As I slowly wean myself from my Criminal Minds stories, I hope that this will be the first of many more Reese and Carter stories to come._

_Post ep to "The Crossing"._

_I don't own anything affiliated with Person of Interest, nor do I own the characters. I do, however, own all of the emotions._

_Song prompt: "She's Out Of My Life" by Michael Jackson_

**She's Out of My Life**

* * *

It was so quiet he could hear his heart beating. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about it. He didn't want to think about her lying in a casket while he got to go on living. It wasn't supposed to be this way, he argued. She was the one who had more to give the world. She was the one who the world couldn't afford to lose. He was nobody.

With quiet, measured steps, he walked over to where her casket sat. He shouldn't be here, he reasoned, it was breaking and entering and he didn't need the cops coming. But he had to say his good-byes. He had to tell her what he couldn't say while she lay dying in his arms.

He had rehearsed what he was going to say. At least it sounded good on the way over. But now that he stood beside her, the words seemed so trite. Nothing he could say would ever take away the pain in his heart.

Ever so gently his hand stroked the polished mahogany. Soft, like her. He could never forget the feel of her skin or the way she fit perfectly in his palm. It was though she had been made for him. But he had been too blind to see her for what she was: His guardian angel.

What did he expect since he had been too jaded and heartbroken over the loss of Jessica? He had failed the woman he loved out of pride and selfishness. He hadn't been there when she needed him most. He had failed her, and he bore that like an anchor weight fastened to his ankle. He thought he didn't deserve anything.

Until Joss Carter entered his life.

Maybe it had been foreseen by the Machine. But he would like to think that their paths were destined to cross by some weird twist of fate. Either way, she had found him when he needed someone to believe. He could still remember how she looked at him with those big brown eyes full of understanding and a smile that said "trust me". But he couldn't trust her. He had been burned too many times. But something changed.

Sure, she betrayed him and set him up, but she had been conned by the best, and she did everything she could to make it up to him. Though, somehow that gave her the right to call him on the carpet.

He sighed sadly. He never meant to for Szymanski to be shot, and he was wrong to have trusted Elias. It was a moment he was not proud of, but he tried to make it up to both of them. Who knew that HR had feelers everywhere?

God, he wanted to kill someone. He wanted to wrap his hands around their throats until the light slowly left their eyes. He wanted to hear them gasp for breath as their face turned red then blue from asphyxiation. He wanted to see their eyes bulge and feel their hands push at him to let go. He wanted to hear their last gasp for mercy.

But he was fresh out of mercy. He had none left. Evil had taken his second chance at happiness. And this time it was through no fault of his own. He had done everything to protect her. He had laid his life down so she could finish what she had started when she decided to target and destroy HR. He had put himself out there as a target. But it wasn't enough. Somehow they had found her.

He had almost gone down that lonely, black road of self-destruction again. He could feel the temptation beckoning to him to follow and lose himself in pity and anger. It was telling him how safe it was to shut himself off from the outside world and kill himself drink by drink. And he almost gave in…

Until he remembered his promise to her as she lay dying in his arms.

His vision blurred by tears, as he tried to wipe the tears from her cheeks. He begged her to hold on; help was coming if she could just hold on for one minute. She begged him to watch over her son and check on him for her. It was all she wanted from him. How could he say no? He would promise her anything as long as she held on.

She must have known, deep down inside she knew him better than he knew himself, because as she looked into his eyes and struggled to breathe, her last words were for him: "Don't let this change you." She still believed in him. She always had.

But that couldn't stop his heart from breaking as he clung to her lifeless body and tried to will his life to her. It didn't stop the hard racking sobs that tore thru his body as he realized that she was gone…forever. It didn't stop the blackness from reaching out to his soul. It didn't stop him from calling her name and begging to trade places with her.

He didn't want to let go. He wanted to hold on and believe in a miracle. There had to be one out there for her. He was living proof that miracles happened and it was possible to cheat death. The EMTs had tried to hold him back as they loaded her and worked like mad to bring her back. But he had to be there. There was no where else he would rather be. And only after they called it, did he allow to be taken into surgery.

It still felt like a bad dream he couldn't wake from. She was out of his life. How could that be? He promised that she would never get rid of him. She still owed him a ride in the back of her car – in handcuffs.

He ran a hand over his face. He promised himself that he wouldn't cry. He swore he had no tears left. At least that's what he had thought until Lionel called to tell him that he found something in Joss's desk that he might want. He couldn't have imagined what it could be, but that didn't prepare him for what was in the envelope: The last picture he had taken with Jessica during their stay in Mexico.

How had she gotten hold of this? Where had she found it? The questions ran thru his mind as he looked upon the past with different eyes. He had done what he thought was best for the woman he claimed to love but left behind because he couldn't say those two little words. She had gone on to another man, and then to her death. He had broken his promise to be there, and he beat himself up for years. But, looking back, it was out of his hands. Even if he could have gotten out of the mission, Jessica was long gone. Nothing would have changed that.

But Joss… He had kept his promise to her. And in the process, he had lost his heart without knowing it. She had become a part of him and seen parts of him that no one else had. He was the killer and the Boy-Scout, the fearless hired assassin and best friend, and she accepted them all. She accepted him for who he was. And she taught him to have faith in people. But most of all, she taught him to love again.

With shaky hands, he opened the top half of the casket. He needed to see her one more time. He needed to burn her into his memory before he let her go – just as the feel of her lips on his would never go away. But as he gazed upon her features, he felt the tears start to fill his eyes. No, he cursed himself as brushed them away, he wasn't going to cry.

She was still so beautiful – even in death – laid out in her NYPD uniform surrounded by cream coloured silk, that he was almost tempted to call her name. Her beautiful brown eyes were closed, but there was that smile on her face. Maybe she knew he would come to see her when no one else was around. Maybe she knew he would come looking to find peace and answers.

"I'm sorry, Joss," his voice cracked with emotion. "I should have-" He stopped the apology and took a shuddered breath. "I meant what I said when I told you that I would rather have you with me at the end than anyone else. But I wondered if you felt the same." He reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out the envelope.

"You knew about Jessica, and you never said a word. I wonder if it would have made a difference if you had. But I think it helped you see where I was coming from, and where I was going.

"I'm not that same man anymore, Joss. You taught me that life offers more chances than one if we just reach out and grab them. You taught me that it's okay to make mistakes, if we learn to move on. And most importantly, you taught me to love and trust again."

He slipped the picture inside Joss's dress coat.

"I can't promise that I won't go after the men who did this to you. And I can't promise that I won't make them pay," he whispered hoarsely. "They deserve to die. The world deserves to not have men like them in it. The world deserves to have more people like…you." He broke down and sobbed unashamed. It didn't matter to him that he was breaking his own code tonight; tomorrow hell would be unleashed in spades.

Wiping away the tears, he gathered himself. "I can promise you this, Joss. I won't let this change all the good that has happened in my life. I promise that I will never go down that dark road again. You made sure of it." Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the lone bullet he had once given her. The same one with his name on it. Picking up her hand, he pressed it into her palm and curled her fingers around it.

"Hold on to this for me, okay?" Gently he cupped her face with his hand. Still a perfect fit. "I'm going now. I'll watch over Taylor and tell him that you were brave to the end and how your last thoughts were of him. I promise." He waited for a response that knew would never come. But hell, all he had right now was time.

With a heavy heart, he lowered the lid and secured it. A glance out the window at the sun peaking in the distance told him to hurry. He needed to leave her behind. He couldn't be selfish. He had his time with her. The others deserved to say good-bye too.

As he turned on his heel, it dawned on him how he had once been called her guardian angel. How ironic that she would become his? He wondered dryly, though it gave him some semblance of peace.

He checked his watch. He would work on keeping his half of the promise to not change. First, he had to make sure he sent the bad guys on a one way trip to hell.

Then he closed the door behind him.

The End.


End file.
